The Blog Heard 'Round the World

Fin

2006-07-22T21:51:00.000-05:00

Well ladies and gentlemen, it's been one wild ride, but I guess all good things must come to an end. Sorry that the last few things I posted sucked. I'd like to go out with a good article but no such luck eh? Well I'll stop being cryptic and moody as of now, and say.

I can't blog anymore. My parents won't let me.
I'm going to display all the stuff I've written over the months. Have fun with it. Sorry if I sound disjointed and weird, saying goodbye is harder than I thought it would be. I'm going to miss this, I'm going to miss it alot.

Thanks for reading.

--Spencer Thomas Williams

I'm back with a buzznet

2006-07-14T09:45:00.000-05:00

Hey there, I'm back from Arkansas so I should be blogging somewhat regularly. I made a buzznet to put all the stuff that I couldn't write a full blog about. It's mostly junk right now, but I'll get some more stuff for it hopefully. I don't really know how the friends thing works so just comment here if you want to be on my list.

http://transit.buzznet.com

Enjoy. It's under the Photo Dump in the links section.

--Spencer

Away, Away!

2006-07-01T23:41:00.000-05:00

Well for the next week and a half I'll be down south in Arkansas. So I won't be blogging. But don't worry, I'm sure I'll come back with amusing stories and strange objects. As I usually do. Just thought I'd give you a heads up so you don't try to mob me for not blogging. To tide you over here's some stuff!

First: A paper I pulled the entire thing out of my ass. It's about the effects of laughing on health. We were supposted to write it after watching Patch Adams. Nothing is true. There is no doctor. STW, are my initials

Spencer Williams

Mrs. -------

Biology

17 May 2006

Patch Adams and the Great Humor Mystery

Dr. Jonathan Moore led a recent study about the effects of laughter on people's health. In his two-hundred and fifty page report he found many new and startling facts about the humor. He found that humor and laughter released a recently unknown hormone, STW into the brain. This hormone boosted the brain activity resulting in a boost to the persons IQ, if only temporarily.

Dr. MooreÂs thesis is being tested throughout the medical world. Looking back I saw many examples that support this exciting new study. In the beginning of the movie where Patch checks into the mental asylum he helps the patients around him. In the scene where the man could not move, the laughter caused a release of STW to the brain which allowed them to think of witty and sarcastic comments. The man who was afraid of squirrel's IQ was boosted so he could overcome his fear.

People who laugh are indeed much healthier. Take the female lead as an example, she was unhappy in the beginning but, as the movie progressed and she started to laugh more. Her quality of health increased dramatically. Dr. Moore's study can be once again linked to the movie. In the scene where the lady would not eat, a swimming pool of spaghetti got her too. This supports Moore's underlying theme of childhood dreams being the source of our creativity.

In conclusion I think that this movie has a great message. I was lucky to find Dr. Moore's report when researching the movie. It has helped me understand the essential role of laughter in our everyday lives.

I'm trying to make this a big post but I have not time. So comment a lot. Comment about your favorite vacation spots. About classes you hate. Anything. Do work so I don't have to.

Peace out

--Spencer

Nuts! And Sweets

2006-06-16T19:56:00.000-05:00

Ahh, Naper Nuts and sweets. A very fine candy shop. The place to go for overpriced novelty candy, that's the type I like.

I was going to make a joke about me being like a kid in a candy store, but I'll spare you. As you can see I bought just about half my weight in novelty candy. And it only cost me my left nut. It was worth it there's a whole lot of crazy ass shit there dog! Lets dig in.

First up the "Extreme Deli Jelly". There were a lot of mini foodstuffs made out of jelly and marshmallow, I just picked up this kit because I figured I'd get everything in one pack. They didn't taste as bad as I thought they would. Not much to say about this except its really fucking weird. Score: 7 out of 10, because it's freakin' extreme.

Well, I was avoiding the Harry Potter section of the store so I wouldn't look like too big of a nerd, but it really didn't work out. Somewhat grudgingly I picked this up. I really shouldn't have, I didn't take a look a the price tag this thing was close to three bucks. They made a lot of hot-shit promises, like getting a cool wizard picture, and a crispy chocolate frog. Can't go wrong right?

Wrong damnit! That's barely even a fun sized frog, for three dollars? Damn, I usually don't mind getting crappy stuff as long as I get enough of it, the frog didn't taste that good either. I got Professor Sprout he/she? grows using a cheap holo-effect. Not really all that collectible.

There's some stuff on the back, nothing really all that interesting. Professor Sprout? Not even famous, can't believe I didn't at least get Dumbledor. Damn you Hufflepuff. Not that I read Harry Potter....Damn. Score: 3 out of 10, lousy card.

Ah, the Taco Factory. That's some crazy shit. Probably the weirdest out of all of the assorted candies I bought. It's kind of like a lunchable, except made out of sugar.

The back was pretty straight forward. It shows the "flavors" of the taco ingredients. It also had a few recipes, not that any combination tasted different. It was all just sugar. I was expecting to have nice pliable taco shells, but no these were hard shells, hardcore shells. The idea was very vague at best, and the company that makes these followed through in true novelty fashion with poor execution of their plan. Every time I tried to mush the taco together the insides would go flying out a zillion miles per hour.

Well I'll never be a hand model. That "taco" right there was pretty much the best I could get it. It didn't taste so bad, but it was hard to keep together when you bit into it. Score: 8 out of 10, muy picante'.

Ah yes the "Hose Nose". I know you're thinking, what the fuck. At least I was. I can't possibly explain why this thing was ever made, ever. This is by far the worst idea of this article. A candy nose that oozes green fluid onto your tongue. There were several flaws in their execution of this idea. First was the actual making of it, who the fuck would buy this shit? Secondly, its way to far away from your tongue when you wear it. That's right you WEAR IT. GOOD GOD.

I don't even know what to say. NO ONE WOULD EVER WEAR THIS. If a kid was ever caught wearing it he would be mercilessly ridiculed and possibly stoned to death. The idea is that you squeeze the nose and goo comes out onto your tongue. If I can't stick my tongue out far enough how can a elementary school kid?

That's what came out, you know what the worst part was? It was sour apple. Gross.
Score: 2 out of 10. Worst fucking idea..

Oh, and the Mallow Burger is still around. It's not a cold war relic as I thought. Go get one. They're awful. Comment about your favorite novelty candy. Or how good I look in that nose.

--Spencer

There's Treasure Everywhere!

2006-06-05T21:26:00.000-05:00

So I just got this new camera phone when I updated my cell plan. After I got it me and my dad were feeling a little hungry so we went to a nearby White Castle. I've had White Castle before and I wasn't a fan, too many onions and too much gray slime (a.k.a. roach guts). I was messing with my new phone when I saw this as we were ordering.

My camera phone isn't the best thing but it does alright when I don't have my camera. So I had just ordered when I looked to my left and got hit in the eyes with this thing. I don't have a reason why anything like this would be in a fast food restaurant. My guess is after the sticker craze died out no one felt like moving the thing. After all I doubt minimum wage burger flippers care for lugging around one-ton sticker machines.

Being naturally cheap I only had one quarter in my pocket. This eliminated the slutty bratz stickers I was eyeing, not to mention the crazy animals and looney toons. So I decided to go with the incredible mystery sticker category. Pretty much stickers no one wants. Well at least it guarantees a "ticker or tatoo everytime" like I would pay a quarter and not get something. Dumbasses.

Well it actually turned out something I liked. I was, and still am, a big Garfield fan. Even though Jim Davis has sold just about every right to Garfield. I still whip out the old Garfield from time to time. Damn that cat can eat. Well that's it for today, go out and find some weird stuff of your own, and remember there's treasure everywhere!

--Spencer

Scary Ass Ghosts from Hell

2006-05-27T10:52:00.000-05:00

So about a week ago my family went downtown, and stopped at the Book Zeller. The Book Zeller is just about the coolest used book store ever. It's in a basement with small winding passages, and there are books everywhere, in the rafters, on shelves lining the walls to the top. I wish I had a picture, but I forgot my camera. I picked up a few good books for cheap, but I needed a weird book. I found a Star Trek hardback journal, and I found this book, Ghost Stories.

I swear that isn't my bed. Anyways Ghost stories obviously won out. Though it was one of the most expensive books there, priced at nine whole dollars. I don't know what made me pick it out, maybe it was because it's so old, made in 89. But probably of the headless horseman's expression. It's fucking hilarious. Listen to the Headless Horseman!

I was disappointed when I found out it was just a bunch of well known stories put into a book with some illustrations by the "Author". The stories are mostly garden variety horror, I think they forgot to put "For Children" under "Ghost Stories". Even then, you'd be laughed out of the camp fire if you told one of these. "Quotes"

I'm just taking pictures of the pictures, because no one wants pictures of text. I hope. The first story is called "Lost Hearts" It's about this guy who steals these kids souls so he can become god-like. I'm not making this up. I can't remember most of it. It was pretty boring, but then again I might have found this one scary if I had stayed up for 3 days in a row. Well, I delivered the ghost part, but they aren't scary or from hell. Let's move on.

Story number 2, "The Judges House"! This one is about a guy who wants to get some peace and quiet so he can read. So he goes to this old town and rents a "Haunted" House of the old Judge. The old Judge was evil, and killed lots of people for some reason. So the guy, lets call him Carl, is reading in the house and he hears all these damn rats making noise. He doesn't mind all that much until he realizes that there's this one big ass rat staring at him (see above). He gets kind of ticked off and throws some books at him, but only one hits it. Then the rat goes up the bell rope. The book that hits the rat is...THE BIBLE. Rat from hell! Some stuff happens and he has the house cleaned one night he follows the rat back to its lair. Then he sees this!

It's the Judge! He looks kind of evil, but since he's dressed in the likeness of Santa Claus I was expecting to see him give Carl a toy train rather than strangling him with his own legs. But that's just me. Carl was paralyzed by fear to book so he stumbled back for a paragraph or two, then the book skips to morning. Not much of a climax, but a cliffhanger isn't that bad.

Well in the end Carl got his ass hanged. Poor bastard. It pretty much ends there, not much of an ending but these stories aren't famous for tying up loose ends.

"You damn kids with your rap music!"

I dunno what this picture is for, or why it is in the book. It just looked really funny at the time. It still does. In fact, why don't you write a caption or conversation that's going on in the picture. Just post it in a comment.

--Spencer

How much Character Counts

2006-05-24T16:32:00.000-05:00

I think about a week ago I went to a "Character Counts" breakfast. Where a group of students are nominated by teachers to go there and receive free food and stuff for having high moral fiber. By some act of God, I was able to get in. Don't ask how, I don't understand either. So I stole a bunch of food and got to pick a "prize". Most of the stuff was from the bargain bin at Target, but there were a few good prizes like stereos and other things. Being me I picked out the most nostalgic (Worthless) thing I could find.

I never had an Atari, but I do have a joystick with ten Atari games on it. So I can safely say I am very glad I never had an Atari. I don't really know what drove me to grab this instead of something twice its value, but if I had to pick one reason it would be the packaging. It's very well designed. It tricks you into thinking you possibly derive any sort of entertainment from the actual games.

See, look at the kid on the back of the box. The only way I would ever have that expression is if my penis imploded while I was wanking it. Maybe not even then. I has encouraging captions like "Aliens, asteroids, and comets, oh my! Time to fight the evil forces of the galaxy in AsteroidsTM" If you have never played AsteroidsTM, you would imagine a planet hopping space adventure. But what it's really describing is a game that looks like a five-year-olds version of space.

It has a pretty simple main menu, the only problem is that you have to hit restart every friggin' time you want to get back to it. Well anyways lets take a look at them games.

The games themselves were quite frankly, boring as hell. You can find better versions online. But the descriptions are hilarious. This one's for the Yars Revenge. It's fucking hilarious, it tries to make the tiny futile game seem interesting. My favorite description is for Adventure where it spends a good two paragraphs explaining why you're a square running around a white world with giant walls and castles. It's ridiculous. I'm ridiculous.

This is adventure your avatar a.k.a. square always matches the walls. I can't seem to attack anything, you appear to be the only thing inhabiting the planet. The level design is too strange to find anything besides colored walls. Quite frankly, I would have more fun gouging out my eyes than playing this game. I hate this game. And so should you.

Sorry I couldn't make this longer, the Atari joystick just sucked the life force out of me. Plus my wrist started to hurt after awhile. Heres a preview of the next post.

Scary ass ghosts from hell!

Sincerely,
--Spencer

I take my berries with cream

2006-05-16T17:00:00.000-05:00

Well I've been on the hunt for some Coke Blak for quite a long time now. I still haven't been able to find any yet, the stuff is fucking hard to find bitches. Now anyone who looks for fucking hard bitches will find my site, sweet. Anyways now that half my readers are Jr. High boys looking for a good wank I will come to my main topic. I was looking for some Coke Blak, when I stumbled upon the next best thing; the novelty drink Dr. Pepper, Berries and Cream.

I was pleasantly surprised when I first picked it up. Sure Berries and Cream isn't as sleek and modern as Coke Blak, but it has sort of an old soda fountain charm. I figured it would taste like someone took a doctor pepper, then put in the type of berries you find after pooping (Dingleberries).

But lo and behold it was actually good. It had just the right amount of Berries and Doctor Pepper. The drink would have been better if it was root beer instead of the good Doctor, but hey you can't win all the time. The berries are "raspberries", or at least inspired by raspberries. Could be raspberry flavored dingleberries, you never know.

Prost!

--Spencer

Discover the Secrets of the Universe

2006-05-08T19:12:00.000-05:00

About three weeks ago there was a subdivision wide garage sale. I spent a good part of the day cruising around looking for some cool shit. For the first hour I looked around and all I really spotted was a psychedelic furby and GI Joe, but I was too embarrassed to buy either of them. So I decided to make one last stop when by chance this thing caught my eye.

I was pretty excited when I first got home. It's promises of hopping through time and Space were all too appealing too me. A little too appealing probably. It does look like a very stylish game, besides the fact it was made in 1989.

I knew there was a catch. A game made by teachers, so it obviously sucks any of the fun you would have traveling planets and bartering with aliens. My visions of space travel vanished into what this game really was. Planet trivia. Boring planet trivia.

There's a whole lot of stuff here. Ok, the black thing is the game board. It was made before they figured out they could cut the lifespan of gameboards in half by making it fold in four places. There are three types of cards, mission(Blue) SNC (Space Navigator Credits, they're your points) And the Hop cards, they take you to locations if you're in a space portal. Those broken crayon looking things are the game pieces. Fairly boring for rocket ships.

The gameboard is pretty good looking, the one nice thing is the really cool art for the game. It was made in a time where everything had that handpainted space look.

What's the densest planet in the solar system? Hell if I know. I had to use the decoder which in the end made me feel like a jackass. Answer: Earth, dumbfuck. Luckily my luck was looking up. Luck.

I knew what my mission was since Saturn is the only planet with friggin rings. I decided what the hell and to space hop. I chose exactly the card I needed and got some sweet sweet SNC's. Bitch.

Lookout there's a rocket ship heading for Uranus! Sorry, couldn't help but make a joke about your anus. I mean Uranus.

Well in the end I own Space Hop winning with 27 SNC's. And I swear I was playing with someone else. Promise.

--Spencer.

May the Fourth be with you

2006-05-04T09:58:00.000-05:00

"and yes, see Han Solo shoot first"

The Mallow Burger

2006-05-01T17:37:00.000-05:00

Be afraid, for the end of the world is nigh. I was at Cracker Barrel with my family and Grandparents when I looked down and spotted this piece of hellspawn sitting in a giant glass bottle. Being me, I picked it up besides the ridiculous 1.29 price tag. Still it's not everyday you find a Burger made completely of marshmallow.

This is the most ridiculous candy ever made. It fucking weighs about as much as a rock of equal size. Although the package assures me that it has a great taste, they might as well have said it cures cancer. I have to admit, the burger is fun. But only before you actually try to eat it. After that any fun gathered from the burger is swallowed and forced out the colon.

Here's the beast out of its cage. I have fond memories of candy burgers. I remember the first time I saw one of those novelty gummy burgers, I thought it was candy from God. I would share the same love for the Mallow Burger if I hadn't put it in my mouth.

I was examining the thing when I noticed that the bun was off center. OK I just wanted to open the thing up. So I peeled back the bun and tried to set it aside when I found these two white spots. I wasn't sure if they were edible at first, as they were rock hard but they appear to be made out of the same stuff the entire burger is made out of: Sugar.

Yep sugar, all 70 grams of it. That's enough sugar to keep a five year old running for a week. I would be thoroughly disgusted about how much sugar I ate if I took more than one bite. But somehow I just can't bring myself to eat the rest of it. Especially since its been sitting on my desk for two days. Maybe after I write this I'll throw it away. But I'll probably keep it until it starts decomposing, or speaking to me. Whatever comes first.

I kind of felt jipped when I found out there was a hole in the middle. But it probably serves a purpose, probably. Either to keep the cost low or to store Cuban drugs as they are shipped across the border. I don't know about you but my money is on the latter of the two.

Well, we're finally at the time where I quit dicking around and finally eat the damn thing. Since you read this far, I'll try to make it quick. One things for sure, it tastes as disgusting as it looks. Imagine licking an ass, then put a lot of sugar on it. It's kind of like that. But without the benefits. After awhile I took another bite just to make sure, but the results were the same. The Mallow burger fails at being a good candy. But it's a kickass novelty. That's all I really asked for anyways.

Visit the Kandy Kastle website! Kandy Kastle! WHOO!

P.S. Since the Mallow burger had giant size on it, I was hoping there was a smaller Mallow Burger being made. Sadly I could find none.

--Spencer

Loderunning

2006-04-26T20:23:00.000-05:00

About a year back I was surfing the web being bored when all of a sudden I remembered a game I used to play at a friends house. I spent awhile looking it up and I finally found it: Loderunner Online :The Mad Monks Revenge. It's a great game. Why you ask? WELL I'LL TELL YOU WHY!

Ok, you're a treasure hunter in a white jumpsuit out in the middle of a jungle. The objective is simple: Get all the gold and get through the portal that appears. Pretty easy right? WRONG! There's a whole shitload of cannibal monks out to eat your ass! Don't believe me? Watch this.

Yeah, the video is blurry but the white smudge is me, the red one was the Monk. As a kid I was scared as hell of those Monks. I would run away from those guys as fast I could. Even if it meant missing some gold. But hey you aren't totally defenseless you do have a ground blaster.

If you get a monk in the hole he can climb out, you can't. But if you stand on its head it'll crush him. Pretty simple, man I make this sound like an autistic chimpanzee could play this game. Here's an example of how to not use the ground blaster.

You can't see it very well but the monk eating animation is pretty crazy. Check it out if you bother playing the game. In the event you get stuck in you're own hole or you don't want to get eaten you can use the suicide button. It looks pretty funny, because you're guy falls down and squirms on the ground. But hey, it's better than being eaten! Right?

Well it may not be as interesting to you, but when I was in grade school this was the coolest shit since G.I. Joes. Anyways, you can get the game here Loderunner.

If this article bores you, I don't give a damn. I just couldn't think of anything to write about.

--Spencer

POGS

2006-04-19T20:27:00.000-05:00

POGS BABY POGS. Feel that rush you get when you say POG? Oh yeah, that's the stuff. POOOG. I guess what I'm trying to say is.

They're Fucking POGS Damnit!

The history of POGs is a long and strange story. But I've boiled it down to what a conversation between the "creators of POGs" would sound like.

Hawaiian farmer: Man, I'm bored as hell.
Hawaiian farmer:Hey I bet if we stack up these milk caps and knock them over, we can make a game in which stupid kids throw hunks of metal at cardboard circles.
Hawaiian farmer:No way!
Hawaiian farmer:Way!

(The game was made in the 1920's by a bunch of bored Hawaiian Dairy Farmers)

I nearly jumped for joy when I opened the POGs shipping package, there I found the two promised tubes of POGs, the slammers. And a little pamphlet with instructions on how to play the game, its the one with the batman symbol on it. There was supposed to be a game board too, but instead there was a certificate for 100% authenticity.

I'm happy I got this thing, otherwise they might have been fake POGs, but the World POG Federation assures me that these are indeed the real deal. If that wasn't enough they threw in a strange orange wildebeest telling me to "Slam 'Um". Who the hell thought they could get away with this?

I emptied the first tube of POGs, complete with twenty five random POGs and a purple dog slammer. The instruction left a lot to guesswork so I picked up my slammer and kissed it, just like in that movie you know? And smashed it violently into the poor stack of POGs.

Damn. I suck at POGs, and life. I was so depressed that I cried for hours, then I turned to my computer physiologist, Dr. Sbaitso.

He had some answers, but I was going to have to play hardball for some real advice.

The man had the answer, but he wasn't going to tell me this time. So I decided to take a break from the good doctor and continue playing POGs.

After a few hours/days/weeks I finally found the trick; you just keep hitting the POGs with the slammer until enough POGs are flipped over. You probably can't do that, but rules were meant to be broken....Well I hope so, because I would have to give a lot of stuff back if that wasn't true.

Some notable POGs here. My favorite in the middle, the zombie rocker because it reminds me of my old POGs. I was in third grade so I had a lot of skull/fireball POGs. They were sweet. I can hardly get over how friggin weird these POGs are. Look! It's the "Happy Sun" POG, next to the "Gay Pride" POG, honestly who didn't have a POG?

Can't think of a comment? Talk about your POGs, and/or POGs you would like to have.

If my writing was a little disjointed during the article, I blame dunkaroos.

--Spencer

Bed Time for the Man of War

2006-04-14T22:13:00.000-05:00

I don't know about you, but I enjoy a good bedtime story being read to me. Since I fully believe in the rash generalization that all people like the same things as me, I decided to read you guys a story. I'm just that kind of guy.

This book is the fucking shit bitch, ass. It divides up the HMS Victory, the flagship for the British navy at one time. The massive 100 gun ship is really incredible construction, it could hold a couple hundred people or something. I would know this if I had actually read it instead of just looking at the pictures. But that takes time, damnit.

This is pretty much the index, kinda boring. But it does give you a great view of the front of the ship. Especially the guys taking a shit. I don't know why they have the latrines in front, but its probably because if they ram someone. It will kill the guys who are shitting instead of working. They aren't getting paid to poop.

This right here is my favorite page in the book. I swear its not because of all the naked dudes. Ha ha, made you look. I think it gives the best view of the ship, you can see they actually kept friggin pigs on the ship. Apparently sailors like to get high in the bottom of the ship, I guess seamen do that. I just made you say semen. Over on the left page its shows their diet, and medical care. The meds include rum and a gag so the doctors wouldn't have to hear the whiny bitches screaming.

Most of what I get from this page can be boiled down to three bullet points:

Sailors like to fight
Sailors like to get drunk
Sailors like to get tattoos to make their dicks feel bigger

You asked for it. You didn't? Oh well.

Here we go, the real meat and potatoes of the book. This is what you really wanted. Sailors shooting each other to pieces with giant cannons. The ship gets shot to all hell, check out the middle part. Probably the most interesting of pages, I'll just let you bask in its glory.

This ones cool because it shows how the ship navigates. Just kidding, its cool because its shows how the sailors were disciplined for crimes. You can totally see that guy get fucking stabbed in the back on the bottom of the page. The leg irons part is cool, man that would suck some balls. Big ones.

Well in the end, its the Man Of War that kicks the most ass. I skipped a bunch of pages,
but that's because they were boring. Nighty night. Don't let the bed bugs bite. Because they will.

--Spencer

The Lost Pharaoh that Was Lost but Not Anymore

2006-04-06T20:52:00.000-05:00

Here we are, the post that propels me into the new month, how exciting...Back in the Field Museum post I made a reference to the "Mummy" I bought. And what a Mummy it was.

Presenting...

THE LOST PHARAOH THAT WAS LOST, BUT NOT ANYMORE.

I was ready for maybe ten minutes of digging through somewhat compacted sand, but this stuff was tough. Especially since they gave you tools you could make out of popsicle sticks, if not Duplos.

I prepared my dig site as recommended on the back of the box. After several thousand hits with the mallet and chisel, I had a incredibly small indent and a realization that this would take hours if there was not a better way. But, I decided to play by the rules, for awhile.

After a lunch break, I moved to a diffrent excavation site on the uh.."Mummy". After chipping away for forever and a day, I finally hit somthing...

A SMALL WHITE CHIP!

YES! After a good thirty minutes of hammering the mummy and talking to myself, I finally found some results. I was sure that this was the lost Pharoah hisself.

It was just a friggin' white ROCK. Down, but not out I doubly redoubled my strokes on the Mummy and I hit the real thing.

When I found the first peice of the Mummy, I had the urge to jump out of my chair and do a Kool Aid man impression. Luckily I was able to retrain myself. I knew I would have to be extra careful, since the Mummy was fragile.

For some reason, the mummy was mummificated* into seperate peices. He was just that awesome.

After consulting the back of the box, I was able to peice the Pharoah together fairly well. There was only one problem. His head was fucking HUGE.

There is no reason for a head this size. The only thing I could think of is that he was an Alien mummy. Well, another day, another fake plastic mummy dug out of sandstone.

--Spencer

In the Zone

2006-03-31T22:37:00.000-06:00

So I went to the Brunswick zone with Carl, and Kevin today. It was pretty cool. We went to the arcade, so here's my review of the Brunswick arcade. Here's Carl if you don't know him, there's a picture of Kevin in my biology post.

We went past the expensive machines, to the old row of crapped out machines from the mid 90's They had some pretty ancient crap back there. These are some of the newer machines. They had Mrs. Pacman of course, but who doesn't. Almost every arcade in the world has Mrs. Pacman...

After beating Kevin's ass at some Mortal Kombat, we stumbled onto this..

Oh sweet Jesus. I knew all that praying had to work. Ninja Ninja Assault Assault..I knew I had to play it. It was missing link in my life. But no! The machine wasn't working. Those lousy "Fun Keys" they give you suck. I longed for some tokens. But we had to press on. I was ready to settle on some of the less imaginative light gun games. But my Fun Key ran out of money. No shooty action for me. We wandered around for awhile until we came to the grabber section.

Just as the Ninja Ninja Assault Assault proved the existence of God. The Bling King proved the existence of Satan. It goes to show just how far the "Bling Bling" juggernaut went. Something about the "Bling King" was all wrong, maybe it was the noxious base line it pumped out, or the horrible cheap looking contents. The world may never know. After Kevin ate at the snack bar, we wandered around the more expensive games. This machine caught my eye.

With it's flashy lights, big prizes and promise of winning something every time. I couldn't resist. I also couldn't figure out how it works, so I just hit the button randomly. The machine made a crazy noise, so I figure I'd gotten something good. I looked around the drop bin, I thought the machine jipped me. But then my hand hit something small and rubbery. I thought someone just left it in there. But it was my prize.

I could've picked something more interesting off the bottom of my shoe, but the thing at least bounced. I'd have to settle for it. They had an ice cream vending machine, we were getting ready to leave. And I figured I'd buy some, since Kevin and Carl had already. I was in the mood for some reeses so I put in my cash and punched in the code. The vending machine went through the vending motions, but the bar stayed there. You can see the fence is gone, but the bar would not drop.

Look at it, it just stopped there. I wouldn't have cared so much if the thing didn't cost a buck fifty. When I pay that kind of money I expect results. We shook the hell out of that machine but the thing wouldn't budge. We all pooled together our cash to buy a second reeses bar for Kevin. The second bar was pushed out of the way by the first, but the second bar got stuck...

So close yet so far away. I finally hulked out on the fuckin' thing and shook it until the bar came loose. Overall a good ending to the trip. As we were walking out Kevin spotted this. I think I've died and gone to heaven. Back in fifth grade gang violence and drugs were a big deal. Police got involved in kids, and tried to scare the hell out of them with this...

Wow. Just wow.

I'm not sure I can take this poster, it blows my mind. Made with Adobe Photoshop 1.o, or maybe a beta version of Microsoft Paint. The poster trys makes the Naperville police department look like a bunch of weight lifting, gun wielding hardasses. The poster definitely persuaded me no to join a gang. In fact it changed my life forever.

Just say no!

--Spencer

Fun in the Field

2006-03-28T15:11:00.000-06:00

So me and most of my family went to Chicago on Monday for spring break, because we had nothing else to do and no money to go anywhere else. It was pretty fuggin cool if I do say so myself. We went to the Field Museum which kicks ass. After we hit the Field we stayed at a hotel. We probably should have just gone home, but I like staying at hotels.

There it is the Field Museum, the place to be for Dinosaurs, Mummys, and Dinosaur Mummys. We even had special tickets for the new "Dinosaur Dynasty" It was one of those Temporary exhibits. They had a bunch of Dinos from China, but I'll get into that later.

The Field is a really beautiful place, made even better by the fact you couldn't spit without hitting a Dinosaur, even on the first floor there were at least three that you could immediately see, Including "Sue" First thing we did was take a look at Sue, and visit her balcony right above.

I wont even explain this one. It speaks for itself.

We went to a boring Gem collection thing, I took some pictures but they all sucked. Most of the stuff was quartz anyways. After we had done the whole Gem thing we decided to go to the Egypt exhibit, my favorite. I love the place.

The jerkass in the blue shirt is my brother. I would have taken more pictures but there was an assload of people in the room, so I couldn't get a shot of the room without somebody's head in it. I was looking around when I saw a large crack in the wall. I couldn't see the inside so I decided what the heck and took a picture of it.

ITS A MUMMY!

You can also see another mummy through a glass covered hole. I took a picture of it, but its blurry since I had to turn the flash off, and other people without blogs wanted to take a look at the Mummy. Jerks. Total Mummy count: 2

After the main room you go into a narrow hallway stuffed with people and hieroglyphics. They were from a real Pyramid, so there were plastic shields in the way of the dirty skank hands of the thousands of people who walk through. Here's my brother deciphering the hieroglyphics.

"It says, 'here be Dragons' and possibly discount donuts"

Jackass.

Anyways, we went down a spiral staircase that I couldn't get a picture of. Down below the surface now, we went through a series of hallways that had a bunch of Egyptian stuff embedded in the wall. Including a MUMMY!

The tiny passage spilled out into a large room packed with Egyptian stuff, there was a small boardwalk, with little pictures of normal Egyptian life put into the railing. Every one we saw my brother said, Dude, is that, that (insert name here)'s 'junk' And indeed, it was his 'junk' So I took a picture of it, here they are in a collage.

Sick

There were also a bunch of stand up life size hieroglyphs of these Egyptian guys doing stuff. I didn't understand the point, but I'm not Egyptian or Japanese..They were pretty hilarious though, maybe unintentionally.

Times don't change much I guess.

Sorry, its an inside joke, go ahead ask me about it.

Around this time my camera totally died on me. But that didn't stop me from squeezing every last drop of juice that thing had in it. The rest of the pictures are taken super fast without flash. That's why they're blurry and generally crappy. There was a lot of cool stuff in that room, including...

MICHAEL JACKSON

I know you're thinking, he said lots of cool stuff, but this was just too good to not take a picture of. After we navigated through the room we ended up in the downstairs area. There were a bunch of statues that depicted nude men doing various things. Including this one. When my brother said, is that guy humping that pole? I had to get a picture of it.

There was this awesome machine that translates your name into hieroglyphics, we didn't have any one dollar bills so we went to McDonald's to break a five. Then we saw this.

I don't know what to say. This wall mural shows Ronald McDonald and his gang happily floating out in space without any protective equipment. I wouldn't have that much of a problem with this if there didn't happen to be a friggin pterodactyl in it. A PTERODACTYL IN SPACE.

WHAT THE FUCK?

After breaking our minds on this we went to the Dinosaur Dynasty. Apparently they found a bunch of undiscovered Dinosaurs in China. It was pretty cool, they had a bunch of complete dinosaurs there.

It was a pretty small exhibit, overall it was pretty disappointing, maybe it was just because the pyramid is so cool. We couldn't think of anything to do after that so we went to the Field Store, it was pretty cool. Even though everything was so expensive. I finally got this totally awesome mummy thing, I'll review it later. Well, that's pretty much it. Hope you enjoyed reading this unnecessarily long blog. If not, you can kiss my grits.

--Spencer

The Real Sims

2006-03-19T10:14:00.000-06:00

I've decided to start a mini series of me playing the Sims and translating it into a Reality show;
The Real Sims, couldn't think of a better title that didn't infringe any copywrites...Lousy MTV. Anyways here's the cast. Two eligible bachelors and a old black guy who wants to get laid, for a novelty factor. That's just about as close to real life as I could get.

I forget the old guys name, so lets just call him Bob for now. As you can see they are quite a trio. Since this is supposed to simulate reality, I tried to make their personalities opposite of each other. Within a few days they will hopefully hate each other. Just like a real "Reality" show! It took me awhile to make their "crib"(Pardon my hip lingo) into something that looks a reality show house. Here's the first floor of the house.

Pretty ugly place huh? Dark turquoise floor with deep purple walls. Not much to say about it yet. I would like to point out my favorite thing in the entire house, the glowing neon flamingo that bathes the kitchen wall with a healthy glow of hot pink sex. Beautiful, absolutely beautiful.
This section of the series is centered around Quinton because he did the most.

Quinton is an asshole. Within a few seconds of meeting this elderly gentlemen he argued with him, and he insulted him and made him cry. It was very funny the first three times I made him poke the old guy. I felt so bad as the old man sobbed into his hands that I too began to cry.
I'M SUCH A BAD PERSON!

Well after the rest of the welcoming party got settled in the back yard. Quinton seeking to make up for his previous misdeeds decided to cook some hotdogs for everyone! There he goes, walking with his confident stride knowing full well that he would deliver the best damn hotdogs this side of missourah.

Oh, how wrong you are Quinton, or was it all planned to further spite your guests you sick creep! I can't belief I ever wrote these two sentences about you.

There they are. Those sick and magled black pieces of charcoal Quinton is looking at are the worst hot dogs ever made. Look at him, scheming, calculating where these evil packages of doom would do the most damage. He passes them out to everyone in the immediate vicinity. They take their poison without protest. It's disgusting.

Will Quinton get what's coming to him? Will Bob live past the first chapter of this retarded series? FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON.....The Real Sims.

Don't hate me too much for this.

--Spencer

Green Food for Thought

2006-03-17T15:12:00.000-06:00

Hey there, didn't expect to write something today but I just found a fucking gold mine. A green one. I went to lunch today with my standard sack lunch. But then I saw someone with....GREEN POTATOES. That's right! Green food! Saint Patrick, we love you. Though I may not have any Irish in me at all, I can just connect with consuming as much green stuff as possible, until you yourself turn green.

Brilliant. Brilliant! BRILLIANT! Green food for Saint Patrick's day. Same shitty food with a new additive, green dye, those pineapples are practically swimming in the stuff. Oh man, I'm gonna be shitting green for weeks.

The Pretzel:

I figured that I might as well start with the main attraction; a soggy lukewarm pretzel with what looked like some sort of strangely colored goop. I was ready to make some creepy crawlers out of the stuff, but since the sauce didn't have a lid I didn't want it in my pocket. The pretzel didn't taste any worse than normal, but the sauce had a chemical aftertaste...

The Potatoes:

I had trouble eating the potatoes, there was something wrong with eating something so violently green. I expected a nice minty flavor, I desperately hoped for it. But all I got was some crappy potatoes from concentrate. They were a little more obviously off taste than the other foods, maybe it was just how wrong green potatoes and gravy look.

The Pineapples:

God, I hate pineapples! Green or not they suck, a lot. With that said this review is no longer credible. The pineapples were really sweet, so if you like sweet pineapples swimming in a green bath of dye, these things are for you. I would review the cookie, but it was just an average sugar cookie. Pretty good.

The Cinnamon Roll:

The cinnamon roll, pretty good. Again the icing was normal flavored. But still good.
Overall, it was nice to see the lunch staff to make a half assed effort to provide novelty food for uncaring jackass high school kids. But let it be know, I care....I....Care...

--Spencer

Tired and Uninspired

2006-03-15T19:28:00.000-06:00

Can't bring myself to write a new article about the shitty hardtack I made. It wasn't that bad, maybe I'll write about it sometime. I'm outta here before this becomes an emo blog.

Just in case you forget, Pepsi reminds you that your decisions affect others. Thanks Pepsi!

--Spencer

Fruits Just Loves Nick

2006-03-10T19:48:00.000-06:00

A picture is worth a thousand, or was it a hundred, words. LOOK! LOOK AT IT!

I feel kind of bad, but its such sweet sorrow. Well I'm gone!

--Spencer

Do the Chicken Dance!

2006-03-10T15:11:00.000-06:00

Well I probably won't post another article this weekend unless I'm really bored so make this one last.

I have a special place in my heart for chicken, I really do. When I saw this gem I knew it wasn't going to be around for long. That's right it's the Buffalo Chicken Sandwich. I've never heard of a "Buffalo Chicken", but it's some spicy shit!

NEW! Great, since I've never seen them before it helps to know that . I felt like a jackass taking this picture, because I had to take out my camera while everyone was waiting for me. I think they thought I was a weirdo or something. Haha....I'm so lonely. Back to the sandwich.

I have to admit, once I got a good look at the thing I was pretty scared. The nice white wrapper was covered in piss-like stains. They weren't the exact shade of yellow to be human pee. But that just raised more questions. In the end there was nothing left to it than to do it. Open the wrapper I mean.
The wrapper was just the normal chicken wrapper turned inside out. Then I realized that the "Buffalo Sauce" managed to eat through a thin layer of tinfoil to stain the white outside. Jesus Christ, I was about to eat this thing...

Mmmm.... Tasty. I'm pretty sure this" sauce" didn't come from the most healthy Buffalo. It wasn't a sauce really, it was more like a gritty damp powder coating it. After eating this, I probably have Hepatitis C. I stared down my prey, and took a bite.

Sorry for the blurry picture, but I couldn't stop shaking. Just kidding, it would be wrong of me to slam the sandwich too bad. I had my expectations very low. But it wasn't as bad as I thought I would be. I wouldn't eat the thing again unless I was really hungry. But if you like adventure, or shitty "Buffalo" sauce, this sandwich for you. I give it a B-, because the sandwich really started to suck after the first four or five bites.

Quickie-Gotsta Love Bio

2006-03-09T17:41:00.000-06:00

Hey there, don't have much time today so I've decided to make these small updates called "Quickies". Sounds dirty huh? Popin' in for a quickie huh? Anyways I've dedicated this quickie to Biology, our favorite subject.

Today was a good day, we had a sub so I got to take some pictures. And get absolutely nothing done at the same time. God just loves me or something.

Most of the 90 minute class was devoted to jack-shit, the other 30 minutes me and my friend Kevin tried to make flash cards out of some ugly ass paper.

That's Kevin, not the paper.

All we made was some folded paper. But then again when you find photos like this in the Biology book, life just seems better.

That's right the only ALBINO GOAT BLOWJOB EVER PHOTOGRAPHED. God bless America! Where else can you see an ALBINO goat getting its dick sucked. Well just incase I've alienated or harassed any of my viewers, I'm outta here.

P.S. GOTSTA LOVE BIO!
P.S.S. It's not a goat I know, and its only sucking on an udder or somthing. Don't burst my bubble.

BASEMENT OF DOOM

2006-03-08T19:33:00.000-06:00

Well I decided that I should pay a little homage to the cesspit I spend most of my day in.
No not my school, my basement. My basement is fairly large, not the part I'm in though.
Luckily I'm not jammed under the stairs, because if the zombies invaded I would sure hate to be under the stairs.

Well you start of by going down the...

Stairs, imagine that.

Yeah Stairs, they're great.

Well you get to the main sort of storage lot me and my brother are shoved into.
Sweet Jesus! I didn't notice how much godforsaken stuff my family has. I'm sure that if you dug deep enough you would find hell itself. From wrapping paper to a chandelier, there's nothing you can't find in this nook. The black box with all the stickers on it is my computer, you might be wondering why a half finished barn is perched right by the window. It was a stable for the small army of my sisters toy horses coated with real rotting barn wood. Seriously my dad went to a torn down barn and stole the hellish looking stuff. I went with him one time, I'm very glad I have had my tetanus shots. I think....

If you turn to your left there's door that leads to my dads office. You'll see my dumbass dog standing there waiting to jump on the chinchilla inside. You heard me, I have a pet chinchilla, named chinzilla. No its real name is Pippen, the dogs name is Kipper. Both these names are from my moron sister.

Here's more trash on the floor, the trash bag is filled with random stuff. My brother eats enough pop tarts to kill a lesser bum. I don't really know why I put this picture in. Maybe its just a cry for help from my inner child. No, that's just the gas...Moving on!
Here's the only one eyed dog in the world. I love him. I bought him a long time ago, before I moved here actually. He was one eyed when I bought him at the garage sale. I don't know where he comes from, how he came to be. He had a name once but it has long been forgotten. The evil eye was obviously meant to be. You can see the button.

MY LEGIONS OF THE DARK SHALL CRUSH YOU!

Well that's pretty much all there is to my basement. It's not so bad when you get used to it. I'll try to keep writing these once a week probably. Drop a comment or tell me somthing to review.

--Transit

Hey there

2006-03-08T19:04:00.000-06:00

Hey, I'll be posting new articles soon.
Maybe somthing good will come out, but it would be mean to get your hopes up.

Your Favorite--

Transit