Scary Ass Ghosts from Hell

So about a week ago my family went downtown, and stopped at the Book Zeller. The Book Zeller is just about the coolest used book store ever. It's in a basement with small winding passages, and there are books everywhere, in the rafters, on shelves lining the walls to the top. I wish I had a picture, but I forgot my camera. I picked up a few good books for cheap, but I needed a weird book. I found a Star Trek hardback journal, and I found this book, Ghost Stories.

I swear that isn't my bed. Anyways Ghost stories obviously won out. Though it was one of the most expensive books there, priced at nine whole dollars. I don't know what made me pick it out, maybe it was because it's so old, made in 89. But probably of the headless horseman's expression. It's fucking hilarious. Listen to the Headless Horseman!

I was disappointed when I found out it was just a bunch of well known stories put into a book with some illustrations by the "Author". The stories are mostly garden variety horror, I think they forgot to put "For Children" under "Ghost Stories". Even then, you'd be laughed out of the camp fire if you told one of these. "Quotes"

I'm just taking pictures of the pictures, because no one wants pictures of text. I hope. The first story is called "Lost Hearts" It's about this guy who steals these kids souls so he can become god-like. I'm not making this up. I can't remember most of it. It was pretty boring, but then again I might have found this one scary if I had stayed up for 3 days in a row. Well, I delivered the ghost part, but they aren't scary or from hell. Let's move on.

Story number 2, "The Judges House"! This one is about a guy who wants to get some peace and quiet so he can read. So he goes to this old town and rents a "Haunted" House of the old Judge. The old Judge was evil, and killed lots of people for some reason. So the guy, lets call him Carl, is reading in the house and he hears all these damn rats making noise. He doesn't mind all that much until he realizes that there's this one big ass rat staring at him (see above). He gets kind of ticked off and throws some books at him, but only one hits it. Then the rat goes up the bell rope. The book that hits the rat is...THE BIBLE. Rat from hell! Some stuff happens and he has the house cleaned one night he follows the rat back to its lair. Then he sees this!

It's the Judge! He looks kind of evil, but since he's dressed in the likeness of Santa Claus I was expecting to see him give Carl a toy train rather than strangling him with his own legs. But that's just me. Carl was paralyzed by fear to book so he stumbled back for a paragraph or two, then the book skips to morning. Not much of a climax, but a cliffhanger isn't that bad.

Well in the end Carl got his ass hanged. Poor bastard. It pretty much ends there, not much of an ending but these stories aren't famous for tying up loose ends.

"You damn kids with your rap music!"

I dunno what this picture is for, or why it is in the book. It just looked really funny at the time. It still does. In fact, why don't you write a caption or conversation that's going on in the picture. Just post it in a comment.


--Spencer

How much Character Counts

I think about a week ago I went to a "Character Counts" breakfast. Where a group of students are nominated by teachers to go there and receive free food and stuff for having high moral fiber. By some act of God, I was able to get in. Don't ask how, I don't understand either. So I stole a bunch of food and got to pick a "prize". Most of the stuff was from the bargain bin at Target, but there were a few good prizes like stereos and other things. Being me I picked out the most nostalgic (Worthless) thing I could find.

I never had an Atari, but I do have a joystick with ten Atari games on it. So I can safely say I am very glad I never had an Atari. I don't really know what drove me to grab this instead of something twice its value, but if I had to pick one reason it would be the packaging. It's very well designed. It tricks you into thinking you possibly derive any sort of entertainment from the actual games.


See, look at the kid on the back of the box. The only way I would ever have that expression is if my penis imploded while I was wanking it. Maybe not even then. I has encouraging captions like "Aliens, asteroids, and comets, oh my! Time to fight the evil forces of the galaxy in AsteroidsTM" If you have never played AsteroidsTM, you would imagine a planet hopping space adventure. But what it's really describing is a game that looks like a five-year-olds version of space.

It has a pretty simple main menu, the only problem is that you have to hit restart every friggin' time you want to get back to it. Well anyways lets take a look at them games.

The games themselves were quite frankly, boring as hell. You can find better versions online. But the descriptions are hilarious. This one's for the Yars Revenge. It's fucking hilarious, it tries to make the tiny futile game seem interesting. My favorite description is for Adventure where it spends a good two paragraphs explaining why you're a square running around a white world with giant walls and castles. It's ridiculous. I'm ridiculous.

This is adventure your avatar a.k.a. square always matches the walls. I can't seem to attack anything, you appear to be the only thing inhabiting the planet. The level design is too strange to find anything besides colored walls. Quite frankly, I would have more fun gouging out my eyes than playing this game. I hate this game. And so should you.

Sorry I couldn't make this longer, the Atari joystick just sucked the life force out of me. Plus my wrist started to hurt after awhile. Heres a preview of the next post.

Scary ass ghosts from hell!

Sincerely,
--Spencer

I take my berries with cream

Well I've been on the hunt for some Coke Blak for quite a long time now. I still haven't been able to find any yet, the stuff is fucking hard to find bitches. Now anyone who looks for fucking hard bitches will find my site, sweet. Anyways now that half my readers are Jr. High boys looking for a good wank I will come to my main topic. I was looking for some Coke Blak, when I stumbled upon the next best thing; the novelty drink Dr. Pepper, Berries and Cream.

I was pleasantly surprised when I first picked it up. Sure Berries and Cream isn't as sleek and modern as Coke Blak, but it has sort of an old soda fountain charm. I figured it would taste like someone took a doctor pepper, then put in the type of berries you find after pooping (Dingleberries).

But lo and behold it was actually good. It had just the right amount of Berries and Doctor Pepper. The drink would have been better if it was root beer instead of the good Doctor, but hey you can't win all the time. The berries are "raspberries", or at least inspired by raspberries. Could be raspberry flavored dingleberries, you never know.

Prost!

--Spencer

Discover the Secrets of the Universe

About three weeks ago there was a subdivision wide garage sale. I spent a good part of the day cruising around looking for some cool shit. For the first hour I looked around and all I really spotted was a psychedelic furby and GI Joe, but I was too embarrassed to buy either of them. So I decided to make one last stop when by chance this thing caught my eye.



I was pretty excited when I first got home. It's promises of hopping through time and Space were all too appealing too me. A little too appealing probably. It does look like a very stylish game, besides the fact it was made in 1989.

I knew there was a catch. A game made by teachers, so it obviously sucks any of the fun you would have traveling planets and bartering with aliens. My visions of space travel vanished into what this game really was. Planet trivia. Boring planet trivia.

There's a whole lot of stuff here. Ok, the black thing is the game board. It was made before they figured out they could cut the lifespan of gameboards in half by making it fold in four places. There are three types of cards, mission(Blue) SNC (Space Navigator Credits, they're your points) And the Hop cards, they take you to locations if you're in a space portal. Those broken crayon looking things are the game pieces. Fairly boring for rocket ships.

The gameboard is pretty good looking, the one nice thing is the really cool art for the game. It was made in a time where everything had that handpainted space look.


What's the densest planet in the solar system? Hell if I know. I had to use the decoder which in the end made me feel like a jackass. Answer: Earth, dumbfuck. Luckily my luck was looking up. Luck.


I knew what my mission was since Saturn is the only planet with friggin rings. I decided what the hell and to space hop. I chose exactly the card I needed and got some sweet sweet SNC's. Bitch.

Lookout there's a rocket ship heading for Uranus! Sorry, couldn't help but make a joke about your anus. I mean Uranus.


Well in the end I own Space Hop winning with 27 SNC's. And I swear I was playing with someone else. Promise.


--Spencer.

May the Fourth be with you

"and yes, see Han Solo shoot first"

The Mallow Burger

Be afraid, for the end of the world is nigh. I was at Cracker Barrel with my family and Grandparents when I looked down and spotted this piece of hellspawn sitting in a giant glass bottle. Being me, I picked it up besides the ridiculous 1.29 price tag. Still it's not everyday you find a Burger made completely of marshmallow.



This is the most ridiculous candy ever made. It fucking weighs about as much as a rock of equal size. Although the package assures me that it has a great taste, they might as well have said it cures cancer. I have to admit, the burger is fun. But only before you actually try to eat it. After that any fun gathered from the burger is swallowed and forced out the colon.


Here's the beast out of its cage. I have fond memories of candy burgers. I remember the first time I saw one of those novelty gummy burgers, I thought it was candy from God. I would share the same love for the Mallow Burger if I hadn't put it in my mouth.


I was examining the thing when I noticed that the bun was off center. OK I just wanted to open the thing up. So I peeled back the bun and tried to set it aside when I found these two white spots. I wasn't sure if they were edible at first, as they were rock hard but they appear to be made out of the same stuff the entire burger is made out of: Sugar.

Yep sugar, all 70 grams of it. That's enough sugar to keep a five year old running for a week. I would be thoroughly disgusted about how much sugar I ate if I took more than one bite. But somehow I just can't bring myself to eat the rest of it. Especially since its been sitting on my desk for two days. Maybe after I write this I'll throw it away. But I'll probably keep it until it starts decomposing, or speaking to me. Whatever comes first.


I kind of felt jipped when I found out there was a hole in the middle. But it probably serves a purpose, probably. Either to keep the cost low or to store Cuban drugs as they are shipped across the border. I don't know about you but my money is on the latter of the two.

Well, we're finally at the time where I quit dicking around and finally eat the damn thing. Since you read this far, I'll try to make it quick. One things for sure, it tastes as disgusting as it looks. Imagine licking an ass, then put a lot of sugar on it. It's kind of like that. But without the benefits. After awhile I took another bite just to make sure, but the results were the same. The Mallow burger fails at being a good candy. But it's a kickass novelty. That's all I really asked for anyways.

Visit the Kandy Kastle website! Kandy Kastle! WHOO!

P.S. Since the Mallow burger had giant size on it, I was hoping there was a smaller Mallow Burger being made. Sadly I could find none.

--Spencer