How much Character Counts

I think about a week ago I went to a "Character Counts" breakfast. Where a group of students are nominated by teachers to go there and receive free food and stuff for having high moral fiber. By some act of God, I was able to get in. Don't ask how, I don't understand either. So I stole a bunch of food and got to pick a "prize". Most of the stuff was from the bargain bin at Target, but there were a few good prizes like stereos and other things. Being me I picked out the most nostalgic (Worthless) thing I could find.

I never had an Atari, but I do have a joystick with ten Atari games on it. So I can safely say I am very glad I never had an Atari. I don't really know what drove me to grab this instead of something twice its value, but if I had to pick one reason it would be the packaging. It's very well designed. It tricks you into thinking you possibly derive any sort of entertainment from the actual games.


See, look at the kid on the back of the box. The only way I would ever have that expression is if my penis imploded while I was wanking it. Maybe not even then. I has encouraging captions like "Aliens, asteroids, and comets, oh my! Time to fight the evil forces of the galaxy in AsteroidsTM" If you have never played AsteroidsTM, you would imagine a planet hopping space adventure. But what it's really describing is a game that looks like a five-year-olds version of space.

It has a pretty simple main menu, the only problem is that you have to hit restart every friggin' time you want to get back to it. Well anyways lets take a look at them games.

The games themselves were quite frankly, boring as hell. You can find better versions online. But the descriptions are hilarious. This one's for the Yars Revenge. It's fucking hilarious, it tries to make the tiny futile game seem interesting. My favorite description is for Adventure where it spends a good two paragraphs explaining why you're a square running around a white world with giant walls and castles. It's ridiculous. I'm ridiculous.

This is adventure your avatar a.k.a. square always matches the walls. I can't seem to attack anything, you appear to be the only thing inhabiting the planet. The level design is too strange to find anything besides colored walls. Quite frankly, I would have more fun gouging out my eyes than playing this game. I hate this game. And so should you.

Sorry I couldn't make this longer, the Atari joystick just sucked the life force out of me. Plus my wrist started to hurt after awhile. Heres a preview of the next post.

Scary ass ghosts from hell!

Sincerely,
--Spencer