Fin

Well ladies and gentlemen, it's been one wild ride, but I guess all good things must come to an end. Sorry that the last few things I posted sucked. I'd like to go out with a good article but no such luck eh? Well I'll stop being cryptic and moody as of now, and say.

I can't blog anymore. My parents won't let me.
I'm going to display all the stuff I've written over the months. Have fun with it. Sorry if I sound disjointed and weird, saying goodbye is harder than I thought it would be. I'm going to miss this, I'm going to miss it alot.


Thanks for reading.

--Spencer Thomas Williams

I'm back with a buzznet

Hey there, I'm back from Arkansas so I should be blogging somewhat regularly. I made a buzznet to put all the stuff that I couldn't write a full blog about. It's mostly junk right now, but I'll get some more stuff for it hopefully. I don't really know how the friends thing works so just comment here if you want to be on my list.

http://transit.buzznet.com

Enjoy. It's under the Photo Dump in the links section.


--Spencer

Away, Away!

Well for the next week and a half I'll be down south in Arkansas. So I won't be blogging. But don't worry, I'm sure I'll come back with amusing stories and strange objects. As I usually do. Just thought I'd give you a heads up so you don't try to mob me for not blogging. To tide you over here's some stuff!

First: A paper I pulled the entire thing out of my ass. It's about the effects of laughing on health. We were supposted to write it after watching Patch Adams. Nothing is true. There is no doctor. STW, are my initials

Spencer Williams

Mrs. -------

Biology

17 May 2006

Patch Adams and the Great Humor Mystery

Dr. Jonathan Moore led a recent study about the effects of laughter on people's health. In his two-hundred and fifty page report he found many new and startling facts about the humor. He found that humor and laughter released a recently unknown hormone, STW into the brain. This hormone boosted the brain activity resulting in a boost to the persons IQ, if only temporarily.

Dr. Moore’s thesis is being tested throughout the medical world. Looking back I saw many examples that support this exciting new study. In the beginning of the movie where Patch checks into the mental asylum he helps the patients around him. In the scene where the man could not move, the laughter caused a release of STW to the brain which allowed them to think of witty and sarcastic comments. The man who was afraid of squirrel's IQ was boosted so he could overcome his fear.

People who laugh are indeed much healthier. Take the female lead as an example, she was unhappy in the beginning but, as the movie progressed and she started to laugh more. Her quality of health increased dramatically. Dr. Moore's study can be once again linked to the movie. In the scene where the lady would not eat, a swimming pool of spaghetti got her too. This supports Moore'’s underlying theme of childhood dreams being the source of our creativity.

In conclusion I think that this movie has a great message. I was lucky to find Dr. Moore'’s report when researching the movie. It has helped me understand the essential role of laughter in our everyday lives.

I'm trying to make this a big post but I have not time. So comment a lot. Comment about your favorite vacation spots. About classes you hate. Anything. Do work so I don't have to.

Peace out

--Spencer

Nuts! And Sweets

Ahh, Naper Nuts and sweets. A very fine candy shop. The place to go for overpriced novelty candy, that's the type I like.

I was going to make a joke about me being like a kid in a candy store, but I'll spare you. As you can see I bought just about half my weight in novelty candy. And it only cost me my left nut. It was worth it there's a whole lot of crazy ass shit there dog! Lets dig in.

First up the "Extreme Deli Jelly". There were a lot of mini foodstuffs made out of jelly and marshmallow, I just picked up this kit because I figured I'd get everything in one pack. They didn't taste as bad as I thought they would. Not much to say about this except its really fucking weird. Score: 7 out of 10, because it's freakin' extreme.

Well, I was avoiding the Harry Potter section of the store so I wouldn't look like too big of a nerd, but it really didn't work out. Somewhat grudgingly I picked this up. I really shouldn't have, I didn't take a look a the price tag this thing was close to three bucks. They made a lot of hot-shit promises, like getting a cool wizard picture, and a crispy chocolate frog. Can't go wrong right?

Wrong damnit! That's barely even a fun sized frog, for three dollars? Damn, I usually don't mind getting crappy stuff as long as I get enough of it, the frog didn't taste that good either. I got Professor Sprout he/she? grows using a cheap holo-effect. Not really all that collectible.

There's some stuff on the back, nothing really all that interesting. Professor Sprout? Not even famous, can't believe I didn't at least get Dumbledor. Damn you Hufflepuff. Not that I read Harry Potter....Damn. Score: 3 out of 10, lousy card.

Ah, the Taco Factory. That's some crazy shit. Probably the weirdest out of all of the assorted candies I bought. It's kind of like a lunchable, except made out of sugar.

The back was pretty straight forward. It shows the "flavors" of the taco ingredients. It also had a few recipes, not that any combination tasted different. It was all just sugar. I was expecting to have nice pliable taco shells, but no these were hard shells, hardcore shells. The idea was very vague at best, and the company that makes these followed through in true novelty fashion with poor execution of their plan. Every time I tried to mush the taco together the insides would go flying out a zillion miles per hour.

Well I'll never be a hand model. That "taco" right there was pretty much the best I could get it. It didn't taste so bad, but it was hard to keep together when you bit into it. Score: 8 out of 10, muy picante'.


Ah yes the "Hose Nose". I know you're thinking, what the fuck. At least I was. I can't possibly explain why this thing was ever made, ever. This is by far the worst idea of this article. A candy nose that oozes green fluid onto your tongue. There were several flaws in their execution of this idea. First was the actual making of it, who the fuck would buy this shit? Secondly, its way to far away from your tongue when you wear it. That's right you WEAR IT. GOOD GOD.

I don't even know what to say. NO ONE WOULD EVER WEAR THIS. If a kid was ever caught wearing it he would be mercilessly ridiculed and possibly stoned to death. The idea is that you squeeze the nose and goo comes out onto your tongue. If I can't stick my tongue out far enough how can a elementary school kid?

That's what came out, you know what the worst part was? It was sour apple. Gross.
Score: 2 out of 10. Worst fucking idea..

Oh, and the Mallow Burger is still around. It's not a cold war relic as I thought. Go get one. They're awful. Comment about your favorite novelty candy. Or how good I look in that nose.



--Spencer

There's Treasure Everywhere!

So I just got this new camera phone when I updated my cell plan. After I got it me and my dad were feeling a little hungry so we went to a nearby White Castle. I've had White Castle before and I wasn't a fan, too many onions and too much gray slime (a.k.a. roach guts). I was messing with my new phone when I saw this as we were ordering.

My camera phone isn't the best thing but it does alright when I don't have my camera. So I had just ordered when I looked to my left and got hit in the eyes with this thing. I don't have a reason why anything like this would be in a fast food restaurant. My guess is after the sticker craze died out no one felt like moving the thing. After all I doubt minimum wage burger flippers care for lugging around one-ton sticker machines.

Being naturally cheap I only had one quarter in my pocket. This eliminated the slutty bratz stickers I was eyeing, not to mention the crazy animals and looney toons. So I decided to go with the incredible mystery sticker category. Pretty much stickers no one wants. Well at least it guarantees a "ticker or tatoo everytime" like I would pay a quarter and not get something. Dumbasses.

Well it actually turned out something I liked. I was, and still am, a big Garfield fan. Even though Jim Davis has sold just about every right to Garfield. I still whip out the old Garfield from time to time. Damn that cat can eat. Well that's it for today, go out and find some weird stuff of your own, and remember there's treasure everywhere!


--Spencer

Scary Ass Ghosts from Hell

So about a week ago my family went downtown, and stopped at the Book Zeller. The Book Zeller is just about the coolest used book store ever. It's in a basement with small winding passages, and there are books everywhere, in the rafters, on shelves lining the walls to the top. I wish I had a picture, but I forgot my camera. I picked up a few good books for cheap, but I needed a weird book. I found a Star Trek hardback journal, and I found this book, Ghost Stories.

I swear that isn't my bed. Anyways Ghost stories obviously won out. Though it was one of the most expensive books there, priced at nine whole dollars. I don't know what made me pick it out, maybe it was because it's so old, made in 89. But probably of the headless horseman's expression. It's fucking hilarious. Listen to the Headless Horseman!

I was disappointed when I found out it was just a bunch of well known stories put into a book with some illustrations by the "Author". The stories are mostly garden variety horror, I think they forgot to put "For Children" under "Ghost Stories". Even then, you'd be laughed out of the camp fire if you told one of these. "Quotes"

I'm just taking pictures of the pictures, because no one wants pictures of text. I hope. The first story is called "Lost Hearts" It's about this guy who steals these kids souls so he can become god-like. I'm not making this up. I can't remember most of it. It was pretty boring, but then again I might have found this one scary if I had stayed up for 3 days in a row. Well, I delivered the ghost part, but they aren't scary or from hell. Let's move on.

Story number 2, "The Judges House"! This one is about a guy who wants to get some peace and quiet so he can read. So he goes to this old town and rents a "Haunted" House of the old Judge. The old Judge was evil, and killed lots of people for some reason. So the guy, lets call him Carl, is reading in the house and he hears all these damn rats making noise. He doesn't mind all that much until he realizes that there's this one big ass rat staring at him (see above). He gets kind of ticked off and throws some books at him, but only one hits it. Then the rat goes up the bell rope. The book that hits the rat is...THE BIBLE. Rat from hell! Some stuff happens and he has the house cleaned one night he follows the rat back to its lair. Then he sees this!

It's the Judge! He looks kind of evil, but since he's dressed in the likeness of Santa Claus I was expecting to see him give Carl a toy train rather than strangling him with his own legs. But that's just me. Carl was paralyzed by fear to book so he stumbled back for a paragraph or two, then the book skips to morning. Not much of a climax, but a cliffhanger isn't that bad.

Well in the end Carl got his ass hanged. Poor bastard. It pretty much ends there, not much of an ending but these stories aren't famous for tying up loose ends.

"You damn kids with your rap music!"

I dunno what this picture is for, or why it is in the book. It just looked really funny at the time. It still does. In fact, why don't you write a caption or conversation that's going on in the picture. Just post it in a comment.


--Spencer

How much Character Counts

I think about a week ago I went to a "Character Counts" breakfast. Where a group of students are nominated by teachers to go there and receive free food and stuff for having high moral fiber. By some act of God, I was able to get in. Don't ask how, I don't understand either. So I stole a bunch of food and got to pick a "prize". Most of the stuff was from the bargain bin at Target, but there were a few good prizes like stereos and other things. Being me I picked out the most nostalgic (Worthless) thing I could find.

I never had an Atari, but I do have a joystick with ten Atari games on it. So I can safely say I am very glad I never had an Atari. I don't really know what drove me to grab this instead of something twice its value, but if I had to pick one reason it would be the packaging. It's very well designed. It tricks you into thinking you possibly derive any sort of entertainment from the actual games.


See, look at the kid on the back of the box. The only way I would ever have that expression is if my penis imploded while I was wanking it. Maybe not even then. I has encouraging captions like "Aliens, asteroids, and comets, oh my! Time to fight the evil forces of the galaxy in AsteroidsTM" If you have never played AsteroidsTM, you would imagine a planet hopping space adventure. But what it's really describing is a game that looks like a five-year-olds version of space.

It has a pretty simple main menu, the only problem is that you have to hit restart every friggin' time you want to get back to it. Well anyways lets take a look at them games.

The games themselves were quite frankly, boring as hell. You can find better versions online. But the descriptions are hilarious. This one's for the Yars Revenge. It's fucking hilarious, it tries to make the tiny futile game seem interesting. My favorite description is for Adventure where it spends a good two paragraphs explaining why you're a square running around a white world with giant walls and castles. It's ridiculous. I'm ridiculous.

This is adventure your avatar a.k.a. square always matches the walls. I can't seem to attack anything, you appear to be the only thing inhabiting the planet. The level design is too strange to find anything besides colored walls. Quite frankly, I would have more fun gouging out my eyes than playing this game. I hate this game. And so should you.

Sorry I couldn't make this longer, the Atari joystick just sucked the life force out of me. Plus my wrist started to hurt after awhile. Heres a preview of the next post.

Scary ass ghosts from hell!

Sincerely,
--Spencer

I take my berries with cream

Well I've been on the hunt for some Coke Blak for quite a long time now. I still haven't been able to find any yet, the stuff is fucking hard to find bitches. Now anyone who looks for fucking hard bitches will find my site, sweet. Anyways now that half my readers are Jr. High boys looking for a good wank I will come to my main topic. I was looking for some Coke Blak, when I stumbled upon the next best thing; the novelty drink Dr. Pepper, Berries and Cream.

I was pleasantly surprised when I first picked it up. Sure Berries and Cream isn't as sleek and modern as Coke Blak, but it has sort of an old soda fountain charm. I figured it would taste like someone took a doctor pepper, then put in the type of berries you find after pooping (Dingleberries).

But lo and behold it was actually good. It had just the right amount of Berries and Doctor Pepper. The drink would have been better if it was root beer instead of the good Doctor, but hey you can't win all the time. The berries are "raspberries", or at least inspired by raspberries. Could be raspberry flavored dingleberries, you never know.

Prost!

--Spencer

Discover the Secrets of the Universe

About three weeks ago there was a subdivision wide garage sale. I spent a good part of the day cruising around looking for some cool shit. For the first hour I looked around and all I really spotted was a psychedelic furby and GI Joe, but I was too embarrassed to buy either of them. So I decided to make one last stop when by chance this thing caught my eye.



I was pretty excited when I first got home. It's promises of hopping through time and Space were all too appealing too me. A little too appealing probably. It does look like a very stylish game, besides the fact it was made in 1989.

I knew there was a catch. A game made by teachers, so it obviously sucks any of the fun you would have traveling planets and bartering with aliens. My visions of space travel vanished into what this game really was. Planet trivia. Boring planet trivia.

There's a whole lot of stuff here. Ok, the black thing is the game board. It was made before they figured out they could cut the lifespan of gameboards in half by making it fold in four places. There are three types of cards, mission(Blue) SNC (Space Navigator Credits, they're your points) And the Hop cards, they take you to locations if you're in a space portal. Those broken crayon looking things are the game pieces. Fairly boring for rocket ships.

The gameboard is pretty good looking, the one nice thing is the really cool art for the game. It was made in a time where everything had that handpainted space look.


What's the densest planet in the solar system? Hell if I know. I had to use the decoder which in the end made me feel like a jackass. Answer: Earth, dumbfuck. Luckily my luck was looking up. Luck.


I knew what my mission was since Saturn is the only planet with friggin rings. I decided what the hell and to space hop. I chose exactly the card I needed and got some sweet sweet SNC's. Bitch.

Lookout there's a rocket ship heading for Uranus! Sorry, couldn't help but make a joke about your anus. I mean Uranus.


Well in the end I own Space Hop winning with 27 SNC's. And I swear I was playing with someone else. Promise.


--Spencer.

May the Fourth be with you

"and yes, see Han Solo shoot first"

The Mallow Burger

Be afraid, for the end of the world is nigh. I was at Cracker Barrel with my family and Grandparents when I looked down and spotted this piece of hellspawn sitting in a giant glass bottle. Being me, I picked it up besides the ridiculous 1.29 price tag. Still it's not everyday you find a Burger made completely of marshmallow.



This is the most ridiculous candy ever made. It fucking weighs about as much as a rock of equal size. Although the package assures me that it has a great taste, they might as well have said it cures cancer. I have to admit, the burger is fun. But only before you actually try to eat it. After that any fun gathered from the burger is swallowed and forced out the colon.


Here's the beast out of its cage. I have fond memories of candy burgers. I remember the first time I saw one of those novelty gummy burgers, I thought it was candy from God. I would share the same love for the Mallow Burger if I hadn't put it in my mouth.


I was examining the thing when I noticed that the bun was off center. OK I just wanted to open the thing up. So I peeled back the bun and tried to set it aside when I found these two white spots. I wasn't sure if they were edible at first, as they were rock hard but they appear to be made out of the same stuff the entire burger is made out of: Sugar.

Yep sugar, all 70 grams of it. That's enough sugar to keep a five year old running for a week. I would be thoroughly disgusted about how much sugar I ate if I took more than one bite. But somehow I just can't bring myself to eat the rest of it. Especially since its been sitting on my desk for two days. Maybe after I write this I'll throw it away. But I'll probably keep it until it starts decomposing, or speaking to me. Whatever comes first.


I kind of felt jipped when I found out there was a hole in the middle. But it probably serves a purpose, probably. Either to keep the cost low or to store Cuban drugs as they are shipped across the border. I don't know about you but my money is on the latter of the two.

Well, we're finally at the time where I quit dicking around and finally eat the damn thing. Since you read this far, I'll try to make it quick. One things for sure, it tastes as disgusting as it looks. Imagine licking an ass, then put a lot of sugar on it. It's kind of like that. But without the benefits. After awhile I took another bite just to make sure, but the results were the same. The Mallow burger fails at being a good candy. But it's a kickass novelty. That's all I really asked for anyways.

Visit the Kandy Kastle website! Kandy Kastle! WHOO!

P.S. Since the Mallow burger had giant size on it, I was hoping there was a smaller Mallow Burger being made. Sadly I could find none.

--Spencer

Loderunning

About a year back I was surfing the web being bored when all of a sudden I remembered a game I used to play at a friends house. I spent awhile looking it up and I finally found it: Loderunner Online :The Mad Monks Revenge. It's a great game. Why you ask? WELL I'LL TELL YOU WHY!


Ok, you're a treasure hunter in a white jumpsuit out in the middle of a jungle. The objective is simple: Get all the gold and get through the portal that appears. Pretty easy right? WRONG! There's a whole shitload of cannibal monks out to eat your ass! Don't believe me? Watch this.

Yeah, the video is blurry but the white smudge is me, the red one was the Monk. As a kid I was scared as hell of those Monks. I would run away from those guys as fast I could. Even if it meant missing some gold. But hey you aren't totally defenseless you do have a ground blaster.

If you get a monk in the hole he can climb out, you can't. But if you stand on its head it'll crush him. Pretty simple, man I make this sound like an autistic chimpanzee could play this game. Here's an example of how to not use the ground blaster.

You can't see it very well but the monk eating animation is pretty crazy. Check it out if you bother playing the game. In the event you get stuck in you're own hole or you don't want to get eaten you can use the suicide button. It looks pretty funny, because you're guy falls down and squirms on the ground. But hey, it's better than being eaten! Right?

Well it may not be as interesting to you, but when I was in grade school this was the coolest shit since G.I. Joes. Anyways, you can get the game here Loderunner.

If this article bores you, I don't give a damn. I just couldn't think of anything to write about.

--Spencer

POGS

POGS BABY POGS. Feel that rush you get when you say POG? Oh yeah, that's the stuff. POOOG. I guess what I'm trying to say is.

They're Fucking POGS Damnit!

The history of POGs is a long and strange story. But I've boiled it down to what a conversation between the "creators of POGs" would sound like.

Hawaiian farmer: Man, I'm bored as hell.
Hawaiian farmer:Hey I bet if we stack up these milk caps and knock them over, we can make a game in which stupid kids throw hunks of metal at cardboard circles.
Hawaiian farmer:No way!
Hawaiian farmer:Way!

(The game was made in the 1920's by a bunch of bored Hawaiian Dairy Farmers)

I nearly jumped for joy when I opened the POGs shipping package, there I found the two promised tubes of POGs, the slammers. And a little pamphlet with instructions on how to play the game, its the one with the batman symbol on it. There was supposed to be a game board too, but instead there was a certificate for 100% authenticity.

I'm happy I got this thing, otherwise they might have been fake POGs, but the World POG Federation assures me that these are indeed the real deal. If that wasn't enough they threw in a strange orange wildebeest telling me to "Slam 'Um". Who the hell thought they could get away with this?


I emptied the first tube of POGs, complete with twenty five random POGs and a purple dog slammer. The instruction left a lot to guesswork so I picked up my slammer and kissed it, just like in that movie you know? And smashed it violently into the poor stack of POGs.


Damn. I suck at POGs, and life. I was so depressed that I cried for hours, then I turned to my computer physiologist, Dr. Sbaitso.

He had some answers, but I was going to have to play hardball for some real advice.


The man had the answer, but he wasn't going to tell me this time. So I decided to take a break from the good doctor and continue playing POGs.


After a few hours/days/weeks I finally found the trick; you just keep hitting the POGs with the slammer until enough POGs are flipped over. You probably can't do that, but rules were meant to be broken....Well I hope so, because I would have to give a lot of stuff back if that wasn't true.

Some notable POGs here. My favorite in the middle, the zombie rocker because it reminds me of my old POGs. I was in third grade so I had a lot of skull/fireball POGs. They were sweet. I can hardly get over how friggin weird these POGs are. Look! It's the "Happy Sun" POG, next to the "Gay Pride" POG, honestly who didn't have a POG?

Can't think of a comment? Talk about your POGs, and/or POGs you would like to have.

If my writing was a little disjointed during the article, I blame dunkaroos.

--Spencer