The Mallow Burger

Be afraid, for the end of the world is nigh. I was at Cracker Barrel with my family and Grandparents when I looked down and spotted this piece of hellspawn sitting in a giant glass bottle. Being me, I picked it up besides the ridiculous 1.29 price tag. Still it's not everyday you find a Burger made completely of marshmallow.



This is the most ridiculous candy ever made. It fucking weighs about as much as a rock of equal size. Although the package assures me that it has a great taste, they might as well have said it cures cancer. I have to admit, the burger is fun. But only before you actually try to eat it. After that any fun gathered from the burger is swallowed and forced out the colon.


Here's the beast out of its cage. I have fond memories of candy burgers. I remember the first time I saw one of those novelty gummy burgers, I thought it was candy from God. I would share the same love for the Mallow Burger if I hadn't put it in my mouth.


I was examining the thing when I noticed that the bun was off center. OK I just wanted to open the thing up. So I peeled back the bun and tried to set it aside when I found these two white spots. I wasn't sure if they were edible at first, as they were rock hard but they appear to be made out of the same stuff the entire burger is made out of: Sugar.

Yep sugar, all 70 grams of it. That's enough sugar to keep a five year old running for a week. I would be thoroughly disgusted about how much sugar I ate if I took more than one bite. But somehow I just can't bring myself to eat the rest of it. Especially since its been sitting on my desk for two days. Maybe after I write this I'll throw it away. But I'll probably keep it until it starts decomposing, or speaking to me. Whatever comes first.


I kind of felt jipped when I found out there was a hole in the middle. But it probably serves a purpose, probably. Either to keep the cost low or to store Cuban drugs as they are shipped across the border. I don't know about you but my money is on the latter of the two.

Well, we're finally at the time where I quit dicking around and finally eat the damn thing. Since you read this far, I'll try to make it quick. One things for sure, it tastes as disgusting as it looks. Imagine licking an ass, then put a lot of sugar on it. It's kind of like that. But without the benefits. After awhile I took another bite just to make sure, but the results were the same. The Mallow burger fails at being a good candy. But it's a kickass novelty. That's all I really asked for anyways.

Visit the Kandy Kastle website! Kandy Kastle! WHOO!

P.S. Since the Mallow burger had giant size on it, I was hoping there was a smaller Mallow Burger being made. Sadly I could find none.

--Spencer