Loderunning

About a year back I was surfing the web being bored when all of a sudden I remembered a game I used to play at a friends house. I spent awhile looking it up and I finally found it: Loderunner Online :The Mad Monks Revenge. It's a great game. Why you ask? WELL I'LL TELL YOU WHY!


Ok, you're a treasure hunter in a white jumpsuit out in the middle of a jungle. The objective is simple: Get all the gold and get through the portal that appears. Pretty easy right? WRONG! There's a whole shitload of cannibal monks out to eat your ass! Don't believe me? Watch this.

Yeah, the video is blurry but the white smudge is me, the red one was the Monk. As a kid I was scared as hell of those Monks. I would run away from those guys as fast I could. Even if it meant missing some gold. But hey you aren't totally defenseless you do have a ground blaster.

If you get a monk in the hole he can climb out, you can't. But if you stand on its head it'll crush him. Pretty simple, man I make this sound like an autistic chimpanzee could play this game. Here's an example of how to not use the ground blaster.

You can't see it very well but the monk eating animation is pretty crazy. Check it out if you bother playing the game. In the event you get stuck in you're own hole or you don't want to get eaten you can use the suicide button. It looks pretty funny, because you're guy falls down and squirms on the ground. But hey, it's better than being eaten! Right?

Well it may not be as interesting to you, but when I was in grade school this was the coolest shit since G.I. Joes. Anyways, you can get the game here Loderunner.

If this article bores you, I don't give a damn. I just couldn't think of anything to write about.

--Spencer

POGS

POGS BABY POGS. Feel that rush you get when you say POG? Oh yeah, that's the stuff. POOOG. I guess what I'm trying to say is.

They're Fucking POGS Damnit!

The history of POGs is a long and strange story. But I've boiled it down to what a conversation between the "creators of POGs" would sound like.

Hawaiian farmer: Man, I'm bored as hell.
Hawaiian farmer:Hey I bet if we stack up these milk caps and knock them over, we can make a game in which stupid kids throw hunks of metal at cardboard circles.
Hawaiian farmer:No way!
Hawaiian farmer:Way!

(The game was made in the 1920's by a bunch of bored Hawaiian Dairy Farmers)

I nearly jumped for joy when I opened the POGs shipping package, there I found the two promised tubes of POGs, the slammers. And a little pamphlet with instructions on how to play the game, its the one with the batman symbol on it. There was supposed to be a game board too, but instead there was a certificate for 100% authenticity.

I'm happy I got this thing, otherwise they might have been fake POGs, but the World POG Federation assures me that these are indeed the real deal. If that wasn't enough they threw in a strange orange wildebeest telling me to "Slam 'Um". Who the hell thought they could get away with this?


I emptied the first tube of POGs, complete with twenty five random POGs and a purple dog slammer. The instruction left a lot to guesswork so I picked up my slammer and kissed it, just like in that movie you know? And smashed it violently into the poor stack of POGs.


Damn. I suck at POGs, and life. I was so depressed that I cried for hours, then I turned to my computer physiologist, Dr. Sbaitso.

He had some answers, but I was going to have to play hardball for some real advice.


The man had the answer, but he wasn't going to tell me this time. So I decided to take a break from the good doctor and continue playing POGs.


After a few hours/days/weeks I finally found the trick; you just keep hitting the POGs with the slammer until enough POGs are flipped over. You probably can't do that, but rules were meant to be broken....Well I hope so, because I would have to give a lot of stuff back if that wasn't true.

Some notable POGs here. My favorite in the middle, the zombie rocker because it reminds me of my old POGs. I was in third grade so I had a lot of skull/fireball POGs. They were sweet. I can hardly get over how friggin weird these POGs are. Look! It's the "Happy Sun" POG, next to the "Gay Pride" POG, honestly who didn't have a POG?

Can't think of a comment? Talk about your POGs, and/or POGs you would like to have.

If my writing was a little disjointed during the article, I blame dunkaroos.

--Spencer

Bed Time for the Man of War

I don't know about you, but I enjoy a good bedtime story being read to me. Since I fully believe in the rash generalization that all people like the same things as me, I decided to read you guys a story. I'm just that kind of guy.

This book is the fucking shit bitch, ass. It divides up the HMS Victory, the flagship for the British navy at one time. The massive 100 gun ship is really incredible construction, it could hold a couple hundred people or something. I would know this if I had actually read it instead of just looking at the pictures. But that takes time, damnit.

This is pretty much the index, kinda boring. But it does give you a great view of the front of the ship. Especially the guys taking a shit. I don't know why they have the latrines in front, but its probably because if they ram someone. It will kill the guys who are shitting instead of working. They aren't getting paid to poop.

This right here is my favorite page in the book. I swear its not because of all the naked dudes. Ha ha, made you look. I think it gives the best view of the ship, you can see they actually kept friggin pigs on the ship. Apparently sailors like to get high in the bottom of the ship, I guess seamen do that. I just made you say semen. Over on the left page its shows their diet, and medical care. The meds include rum and a gag so the doctors wouldn't have to hear the whiny bitches screaming.


Most of what I get from this page can be boiled down to three bullet points:

• Sailors like to fight
• Sailors like to get drunk
• Sailors like to get tattoos to make their dicks feel bigger

You asked for it. You didn't? Oh well.


Here we go, the real meat and potatoes of the book. This is what you really wanted. Sailors shooting each other to pieces with giant cannons. The ship gets shot to all hell, check out the middle part. Probably the most interesting of pages, I'll just let you bask in its glory.


This ones cool because it shows how the ship navigates. Just kidding, its cool because its shows how the sailors were disciplined for crimes. You can totally see that guy get fucking stabbed in the back on the bottom of the page. The leg irons part is cool, man that would suck some balls. Big ones.


Well in the end, its the Man Of War that kicks the most ass. I skipped a bunch of pages,
but that's because they were boring. Nighty night. Don't let the bed bugs bite. Because they will.

--Spencer

The Lost Pharaoh that Was Lost but Not Anymore

Here we are, the post that propels me into the new month, how exciting...Back in the Field Museum post I made a reference to the "Mummy" I bought. And what a Mummy it was.

Presenting...

THE LOST PHARAOH THAT WAS LOST, BUT NOT ANYMORE.

I was ready for maybe ten minutes of digging through somewhat compacted sand, but this stuff was tough. Especially since they gave you tools you could make out of popsicle sticks, if not Duplos.


I prepared my dig site as recommended on the back of the box. After several thousand hits with the mallet and chisel, I had a incredibly small indent and a realization that this would take hours if there was not a better way. But, I decided to play by the rules, for awhile.

After a lunch break, I moved to a diffrent excavation site on the uh.."Mummy". After chipping away for forever and a day, I finally hit somthing...

A SMALL WHITE CHIP!

YES! After a good thirty minutes of hammering the mummy and talking to myself, I finally found some results. I was sure that this was the lost Pharoah hisself.

It was just a friggin' white ROCK. Down, but not out I doubly redoubled my strokes on the Mummy and I hit the real thing.

When I found the first peice of the Mummy, I had the urge to jump out of my chair and do a Kool Aid man impression. Luckily I was able to retrain myself. I knew I would have to be extra careful, since the Mummy was fragile.

For some reason, the mummy was mummificated* into seperate peices. He was just that awesome.

After consulting the back of the box, I was able to peice the Pharoah together fairly well. There was only one problem. His head was fucking HUGE.


There is no reason for a head this size. The only thing I could think of is that he was an Alien mummy. Well, another day, another fake plastic mummy dug out of sandstone.

--Spencer